Naked by Chattel

Not many wonder what happen in beast mind, but still, I will tell you a bit about it, and this time about trials.
It is always a very strong experience to stand for trials, while others, males and subs alike often experience this as fun, for a few it is a very moving experience.

Sitting in the cell once again try to plan the shortest path to stand in court when I'm called to avoid being scolded. I know there will be no time and I'll be at the edge of panic and the sim will move so slow. I'll read comments in a delay, hear voice it would take me too long to respond to. and the eyes of so many people following me.

For some reason I'm always the last one in the list of defendants.

"chattel is enjoying the attention too much!"
"this is a reward for him"

Well, it's tough being a beast. Often I can't really tell wether I want something or not. I have to ask for permission every time before I log off. And no matter how tired and to what extend my plans for the next day are on stake - I never know what response I would rather hear. would it be "Fuck off chattel" or, "Shut up loser".

Best if my conflicting desires are not taken into consideration at all. When I'm convinced that nobody me a second thought about what I feel - it does get a bit more hmm.. addicting. Confused? so am I.

So it's easier for everyone when my desires are of no importance at all. I think that's the first thing that is required of me as a Dominion slave and it very natural for me.

However this is a confession, and no one can silence me. so I will talk a bit more about my feelings.  The meaning of enjoyment is elusive to me. But that doesn't mean I don't experience a whole range of emotions. The Dominion feels very real to me, this doesn't feel at all like a game. I'm treated very sincerly and that's what makes me so attached to it.

Being brought to trials I know this is not a joke, for others - often yes, but not for me. I hear shouts from the crowd that I know often express the real feelings some Ladies have towards me. I feel inferior, utterly inferior and always blame to be enjoying it all so much.

It's not easy to be naked before the whole crowd, one never gets used to being naked when everyone around is dressed up. It feels very exposed and volunrable. but I have my muscles here so perhaps it's better here than in real life.

Naked, for 4 days, with man boobs bigger than my real life man boobs but the humiliation feels the same. Like in the BDSM clubs I used to frequent a decade ago.

Shame, real shame, to be so ugly, and naked in everyone's face in the courtyard. And again, the catch - if I try to hide myself, I must be seeking attention. If I don't then I must be enjoying this.
How can I express myself properly? With the mixture of feeling I don't even know what I'd like to express.

It is reassuring however, not to be dressed as a proper boy, being dressed normally makes me feel completely lost. Anything else is better, even this.

Being dressed up how I want is also very confusing, what should I wear, how shall I not enforce my fantasies by dressing up in a kinky way without an order. And if I could choose what to wear what would that have been and would that excite me?

It's much easier when everything is decided for me and I'm not even asked if I'm enjoying this. It suites me. I don't enjoy this, I need this. And sincerly I hope that my misery is also pleasing as well as repelling, in a wierd complicated paradox.