Found and Lost By Kiko

Sal Ek droom?"
"Natuurlik. Alle intelligente wesens doen. Niemand weet hoekom. Miskien sal Jy droom van jou Eienaar.."

I was found and taken in by a wonderful Owner when I was 18. I loved Her more than life itself. She named me, "Zoya-Min", which means "My life". She was my life too. She loved me very, very much. She was living with a dangerous person at the time. She was beaten one night. I showed up in the early hours one morning on Her call and helped Her from that, fully ready to fight and die if need be. She got situated with family, while I slept out in a parking garage. She quickly rented an apartment in town. I was with Her every chance I could get. The adjustment took some time to get comfortable to long-term, but it was a temporary hesitation. I loved every second I spent with Her. Through the good times and the bad - there was no other place I wanted to be except at Her side. Of course, there was a person side. Person things and interactions. But most of the time, when we were together, there wasn't. It was, and still is for the most part, a shell for me. As myself, however, at Her side, there was nothing but love, affection, and adoration. An open stream. There was sex, and it was sexual, naturally. And it was an active thing but I don't remember that, really. Not to say it wasn't wonderful, but, it didn't mean anything in the long-run. It was completely supplementary. An expansion. That's not the sort of thing archived in my memories. Although I enjoyed it, very much, that's not what I dream about. That's not what I really remember. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and feeling Her next to me. I remember Her scent, knowing She was close. I remember Her breathing calming me in the silence, and Her warmth. I remember Her touch, holding me close and petting me. I remember Her voice, talking to me, calling me, praising me when I was good, otherwise when I wasn't. I remember Her affection. I remember Her aura, Her mannerisms and quirks. Her inflection and habits. Her love. All Her perfect imperfections. Those are what I remember. Those are what I cherish. Those are what I dream about.. constantly. It burns my soul, tears my heart, and occupies my mind. It brings me to tears.. waking up and knowing She's not there. Hearing silence where Her breathing used to be. Feeling cold absence where Her body used to lay. Smelling nothing where Her scent used to linger. Being alone, where Her presence enveloped me. A longing sets in, to shout to the stars how I feel: How much I love Her, How much I miss Her, that maybe if I am loud enough, She will hear me. Maybe if I am strong enough, She will feel me.

Almost two years rolled by. She enlisted in the Navy, something She had been planning on for a while, and left - cutting almost all ties with everyone She knew in the process.. including me. Something I never saw coming. We had talked about Her joining the Navy: about plans, about how things would change, about me moving with Her. Never once did I suspect anything otherwise. She promised She would always be there, as I would always be that. That She loved me, and would never leave. She promised She would always come back for me. That She would always love me - no matter what. I wrote Her frequently while She was in Basic Training, telling Her how proud I was of Her, and how much I loved Her. I only got one letter in reply: She let me go, saying She had to for a while, but that one day She would call me by my name again once things settled out. It came in the mail on May 28th 2011, just a few days before my birthday.

We communicated a few times after that, once she got to A-School and had more liberties. She told me She had to let me go, because She wanted me to be happy. Because She wasn't able to be there for me. Because She didn't want me "waiting at the door for years" for Her to come back, when I could be happy someplace where I belonged. It didn't bother me, Her in the Navy. I would have waited for eternity. She's what made me happy, and I knew where I belonged - at Her side. I didn't care about any semantics. I didn't 'need' anything outside of Her. I just cared about Her. I loved her: completely and unconditionally.

"But, I'm also really scared, and really afraid."
"I don't want you to be."
"I'm worried, and I don't want to pull down hearing from you with heavy stuff, but I just don't understand what happened. Your letter, and your messages, I just don't understand, and, I don't want to believe any of that, and I just, I don't know how to say it. I don't want to loose you."
"I did and I don't know how to respond to it. Everything I have been told has just made me feel like it needed to be done."
"I don't understand."

We spoke more.

"I don't want you to think that there is anything wrong, it's just something that I can't do. I don't feel like it is right for me to have you waiting at the door for years. I won't be able to have a shore duty for a long time. I won't be able to be there for you like you need. I don't want you to need me. I fucking hate the way this sounds and how it is coming out but I'm not strong enough to do it. It hurts a fuck load to do this, it really does. But I have to let you go. My heart feels like it is ripping into tiny pieces but I have to do it."
"Why? I don't.."
"I want you to have a stable life with an Owner that can be there everyday like you need."
"I don't need that. I don't need that."
"Every good puppy needs that, and you are the best."
"No, no. I' don't. I don't. I don't want any of that if it means this. I don't care about any of that. I love you."
"I love you."
"I love you more than you can imagine."
"I want you happy."
"I would do anything for you don't you understand? I am happy, I am happy with you."
"I do understand. What I want you to do for me is be stong. I can't keep you, it hurts me to know that you are waiting for me when you could have better. Do you understand how much it hurts me?"
"As long as you know what you have to do and what I have to do. For the time being, I am releasing you. It is what I have to do."
"You will be great. Even if the world keeps us apart I know you will be strong. Never fret everything will be okay.. one day I will call you by your name again."

I desperately wanted to be back at Her side where I belonged. Where I was happy. Where I was loved and loved back ten-fold. I wanted to make Her proud of me. She had promised She would come back for me, saying that everything would be alright. But gradually She became more and more distant. Over the course of 7 months I began working on enlisting into Naval or Marines Special Warfare in an effort to get closer to Her. I thought that perhaps something of such magnitude and difficulty would show Her how much She meant to me, and How determined I was. I thought that it would make Her proud of me.

She quietly got engaged, and hammered in a painful finality that in all reality I would never make it back home to Her, no matter how hard I might try, or how far I might go.
She was my world. I would do anything to make things okay again - to go back in time and somehow change the future, or just to be back at Her side once again. But She is gone now, I fear. I wonder if She ever realizes how much She means to me, and how much I loved Her, and still do. I just want Her to be happy, and although it burns through my soul, I know I have to stop and let go if it brings her peace. -But I can't stop myself from going on. I can't stop myself from fighting and trying to get home. It's the only thing I know to do. She is my life. She is "Zoya-Min".

I close my eyes at night, wanting so badly to be able to lay down beside Her again, to curl up against Her and sleep. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense. In my memories collapsed, I think that if people were like rain, then "I was drizzle and She was a hurricane".