When I Knew by Marexes

When I Knew…
By Marexes Balerion Sivarticus

Puberty is hard on everyone.  The physical and hormonal changes we all go trough can be strange and confusing.  In my case, these changes were accompanied by some interesting mental twists, thoughts and desires that made the whole process intense and overwhelming.  It wasn’t that I was just going through puberty, but I was having very deep and naturally submissive thoughts.  Though I was trying to understand why I felt the way I did, at age 12 I was too emotionally immature to be able to talk about these things so they stayed inside my mind.

As I began to realize my body was changing and certain things aroused and excited me I began to cultivate certain fantasies in my mind.  Though I didn’t know the terms for them then, all my fantasies involved submission, power exchange and Female Domination.  Even my desires with the local school girls and attractive young women living down the street were affected.  See, when I grew up, boys and girls in primary school called dating “going together” or “going with someone.”  It was an innocent version of being boyfriend and girlfriend.  For me at that time, I already wanted to be the girls slaves, not “go with” them.  I even had thoughts of going down the street to knock on the attractive lady’s door and present myself to her.  But that’s when fear gripped me and left me unable to take action on these thoughts for many years and unable to tell anyone about them.  What would the guys think?  Why did I think and feel this way?  Would the girls understand?  Would they know what I was asking them to do, for there was more to it than just obeying tasks?  I already knew I liked the concept of being held in an aroused and powerless state.  I already knew I liked kneeling and other subtle forms of humiliation/power exchange.  Of course I didn’t know what it was called then.

Thus I lived out my sexual fantasies in my thoughts and head for many years to come unable to tell anybody.  It wasn’t until I was out of college with the advent of the internet that I started to realize there were other people out there like me and that the things I had been thinking about actually had names.  Slowly I learned about it and what it was.  I read books, went to chat rooms and web pages.  The more I learned, the more I realized things I liked that I had never even considered.

Over time, my thoughts, desires, fantasies, fetishes and kinks have all changed, grown and evolved.  Some things have remained as constant as the north star, even from the very first fantasies I had involving my Heather Thomas in a pink bikini poster.  Namely that I am a submissive male. I want my love and devotion to be so deep that I am willing to be her slave.  I want a woman to take control over me; that I believe she has the power and ability to do so.  That I want to please, worship, serve and obey Her.  That I enjoy feeling the sense of Her power and control over me.  That I want to kneel and say “Yes Mistress,” kiss Her boots and worship as She desires.  To be spellbound and enchanted, enslaved and hypnotized.  That I want to love and enjoy every minute, be fully devoted, obedient and helpless and yet receive immense mental, emotional, physical and dare I say spiritual pleasure from it all.  And though I may not have had the words or emotional maturity and understanding to express any of this, I did know, in my mind and heart that it was all true from a very early age.