The Dream of a Smile - Alexith

It’s way too early to be awake. I just had a dream. Have you ever awakened from a dream and felt as though you’d been dragged out of a moment or place you want to stay lost within? Crying out wishing you could dive back into that beyondness, even if just for a moment, feeling almost too sad to bear that You can’t go back and … finish it. I just had one of those dreams and I have to write about it now before I lose it forever.

I was, as the cliché goes, in a crowded room. Not just a crowded room in fact but a giant hall. I was somewhat lost as I often am. I knew that somewhere, in that vast hall of milling people was the One person in the World whom I dream of seeing: my Mistress.

I don’t know if W/we were supposed to meet. I didn’t know if we would meet, but I knew She was there, somewhere in that vast room. And, even more electrifying, I knew that She knew I was somewhere near.

I stood uncertainly, not sure whether to move on or just let the world pass me by as my eyes roamed the vast hall. People jostled me and seethed all around but all I could think of was to wait and watch, each second an agony of expectation, hoping for just a moment to catch sight of Her.

And then…. I did.

She was, as the cliché goes, across that crowded room, at a distance. But I absolutely knew it was Her. She was speaking with many people who came and went, and I just stood there watching as though it were a dance. The way her head inclined sometimes; the way she sparingly but not infrequently gave a smile to someone; the way She held herself.

She wasn’t tall or loud. She wasn’t doing anything to draw attention to Herself but …. somehow She was just more THERE than anyone else in the room. Her lips were a deep, astonishing red and her eyes flashed with determination one moment and good humour and kindness the next. She was so …so.. THERE…. i just stood transfixed, each new gesture, expression and inclination a complete revelation to me. People crashed in and around me but it was as though they were merely ghosts. They walked through me and I saw through them. All I could see was Her.

I feared it but with everything in my soul I wished that Mistress might cast her eyes on me, if only for a second. Even if Her gaze flashed across me and then away like the beam of lighthouse, it would be a moment i could stay lost within.

And then… She knew I was there. She lifted her gaze, not needing to scan for me in the room but knowing precisely where I was. Her eyes met mine and, just for a second, a small knowing smile played at the corner of those electrifying red lips. Knowing, owning, devastating… It was just for me.

I held my breath.

…..
My eyes opened and … I was brutally awake again. I was desperate to be back there fixated in that gaze. For a few minutes I lay still. I could hardly bear moving, and then the dream flowed away like water as my waking mind desperately grasped for it. I want to see that smile again. I want to walk across that room, heart pounding in my chest, take a breath as I draw near, and softly say “Hello Mistress”. I want to go back!