Confession - Ravanys

If I would have had Joie's impeccable fashion sense and timing, I would have never worn that god-awful pink gown to my prom. It ripped in the side-seam, and my date gave me a look that made me want to crawl in a hole. If it had been her, she'd have never worn it. Or if she did, she would have proudly threw on a shawl, kicked the loser to the curb, slid a rubber band around his forehead and snapped it in front of God and everybody, looking fabulous the entire time. Everyone would have been wearing shawls to school the next day.

If I would have had Zarita's bravery, when my then alcoholic, lying boyfriend had suggested I get an abortion after he'd dumped me, I would have simply beat the shit out of him. He wasn't very big, after all. And I'd tell him I was through with HIM, and he would not ever get the privilege of raising what is now our amazing child with me. I could have saved myself 2 years, 4 months, and 12 days of heartache and deferred hope if I'd just been like Zarita.

When I was standing next to my then-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend, who was an interior designer who owned the most expensive housewares store in town, and she commented “Oh, that's... different...” on the flower arrangement I'd worked on for two days. If I had been Eloise, first off, I'd have never knocked it over in my embarassment, watching it crash to the floor in sad little shards while everyone just... stared. But if she had done it, everyone would have thought it was done with style. She would have walked right over to that smarmy woman, put her arm around her shoulder and said, “Honey, that's my style. Ain't it beautiful. Now, get outta my house, sugar. I got things to do.”

If I were Destiny, I'd never have let my mother speak to me the way she has one too many times. But I love her, so I let her go. But sometimes, when I am there, and she's looking at me, I imagine that I'm Destiny. And I raise my chin and say something that makes my mother be quiet for awhile. She looks at me as if I've become someone else for a moment. Perhaps I have.

I had a breakdown when I had to stay in the hospital for a long time due to a complicated pregnancy. For long hours, I spent fretting, looking out the window, sequestered because of an epidimic in the area that would now allow visitors to the antenatal area. I was there for a very long time. I would have endured it better if I had the patience of Epi. He would have found joy in the smallest things and would have taken pride in making the floor sparkling clean. He would have had a kind word to say to anyone who would have walked in, no matter how long he had to be in the solitude.

When I left the hospital, one project after another just crashed. My office work ended. My career crashed. My work with the local charity had to stop so I could focus on getting another job. My housework piled up. My relationships became strained. But... if I had been Eva, I would have been able to hold it together. I would have somehow managed to pull one amazing successful day out after another, and it would have been beautiful. Everyone would have thought I was wonderful. I might have kept our situation from totally going insane, and having to move across the country just to make it, if I could have had her strength.

If I had been as honest as Maisy is, I would have been able to look him in the eye and tell him, “No, if you do that one more time, my heart will become cold towards you, and I won't love you anymore.” But I continued to let him wander away from me, watching him. Hoping that I wouldn't have to tell him, that he'd somehow see the pain he caused me. It might have been a warmer bed if I'd been as honest as Maisy.

You are in me. I carry you around with me every day. And I have learned lessons on my own, seen where I could improve, and face my challenges with your strength inside me. Dominion, my community, my friends and family... I love you all. I confess, I don't have it all together, but with you, I have learned from my past and look to the future and a whole new level of hope that I will be braver, more honest, truer, stronger, and bitcher than I've ever been. You are my inspiration.