Changes by Heather

On a sailboat, changes are crucial. If you change the sails, you change your course. If the rope attached to the sail, is too tight, it might slow you down, is the rope too lose, you might lose the wind all together. Sailing is about finding the perfect balance, between your course, your sails and the wind.

I'm the daughter of a sailor. I grew up on boats, they were my home, still are. I grew up learning to navigate through the curves and ripples of the water. I learned about the depths of the water and how a boat gets stuck once you stop paying attention. I learned how to tie knots and learned if the knot is wrong, you lose vital parts of the ship.

A life in many ways is comparable to a ship. Some boats glide through the water with great elegance, others stumble on the waves. And sometimes, you lose all balance and a ship capsizes.

When I was sixteen years old, we sailed to Croatia. I have seen up close how dolphins are protective. They jump over the ship as a warning to what lies ahead. I have learned if you ignore the warnings, death knocks on your window and takes you away. I have learned how important the radio network is. We were on the open sea, sailing, laughing, when we saw the other sailboat riding the waves like a fast car. My dad panicked, if the ship wouldn't alternate its course, it would be folded in half in our ship. There is nothing you can do, but let it happen and hope the other captain is paying attention. A ship can change course, but it takes hard work. Thankfully the captain saw what was about to happen and it changed course, right before it was about to hit us.

Changes are on the horizon and have been for a while. I am longing for the safety I feel on ships, for on the water, I have freedom. On land, no matter which course you seem to follow, there are always roadblocks ahead. It took me twentysix years and a lot of prodding from a certain Lady to make a big, life altering change. A change I desperately needed, but was too afraid to really start on. Now, I am doing it, I struggle with it daily, but I am doing it. Because I don't want the ship to run into me and kill me.

I have my radio network. I have my friends, I have my family, I can yell, I can cry, I can laugh and hide, but people will always be there to help me sail the ship through what lies ahead. And honestly, that feels good.

I am learning how to tie the knots, and tie them strictly, there is no room for mistakes. Mistakes are being corrected, no matter how many times I make them, until I stop making them. I am learning not to lose vital parts of my ship.

I am learning to feel safe on land. I am learning how to walk all over again. It might not be with great elegance yet, I might stumble and I fall, but I will get back on and try again.

This may not be a hot and steamy confession, but it is my way of saying thank you to my friends. To my twinnie, for always being there no matter what, for being my twinnie and my whole world, to Miss Zarita for always being there no matter how many times I fuck up, and occasionally give me the courage I need to go on. To Miss Destiny, who opens her house and her arms knowing how scared I am for the London meet. To Gia, who always has wise words and our little pact. To Madi, who makes me laugh even if we don't see each other a lot. To my friends who are there and keep my chin up.

My sailboat is finally on the right course and it feels right, it feels good.

Now, next week I am really writing my sappy, hot, erotic lesbian story cuz it's been too damn long!

Heather.