Some people will never figure out who they truly are, or what will make them happy. In truth, I believe we all know our true nature. Some fight it, some fight to be normal. And some stumble so deeply into themselves, that the truth becomes undeniable to them.
As a young man, there is a certain belief in how one should act. In ways, high school is like prison. They say your first day in prison, you should get into a fight. Show that you are willing to be tough, or become the bitch. In high school, if you show you are weak, you pay for it for the rest of your time there. So I, like many others, spoke a tough game, and never let on there was a voice in the back of my head, wishing to be so much more than a stereo type.
Serious relationships in high school are, for many people, nothing to compare to serious relationships later on in life. Perhaps this is why, in my final year of high school, having just turned 18, I never put a lot of thought into the relationships I developed. The women I met were, of course, gorgeous. But, in my mind, I was off to college the next year, so nothing was permanent. Then I met Kay.
It started off like many young romances do at that age. Talking in the halls between class, passing notes. It seems so cliche, but they are some of the fondest memories I have of that time. A date turned into more. Days to weeks. Weeks to months. We saw graduation together, summer together, into the fall. We were close. Closer than I even realized.
It was a cool fall day when we found ourselves alone. She had a surprise for me. We headed towards the bedroom, and I thought what any other healthy teenager thought. I didn't know things were about to change for me in a very real way.
As we entered the room, she hung back, closing the door. Her voice was strong when she wrote. For those of us who submit, you will know the feeling well. Immediately I felt my heart beat race.
"Hands behind your back, love," she commanded, her hazel eyes locked on mine. Before I realized what I was doing, guided by instinct alone, my hands were behind my back. The sound of metal on metal chimed as she pulled a pair of novelty handcuffs from her purse. They snapped into place, and I found myself at a loss of control. I grinned at her, and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"My dear, I do not remember telling you to go to bed. Kneel on the floor." she commanded, although in a forgiving way.
My head tilted in disbelief, but my heart raced still. In the back of my mind, I knew this was what I always wanted. Still, I resisted. My head tilted and I spoke softly. "But what fun is that lover?"
Her response was swift. She climbed over the end of the bed and, pressing her back against the wall, and a foot against my back, pushed me forward. Replaying this moment in my mind, I realize how I could have easily caught my balance and landed on my feet. Instead, using the excuse, I slipped down to my knees. Gingerly, I spun around, facing her. She slipped to her feet and moved towards me.
"I've seen the smile on your face as you do the simpilest things for me," she said in a calm, measured voice. "You delight in opening doors, or getting me a glass of water, or cooking for me. Some would say this the mark of a gentlemen, but you and I both know, based on where you are now, that its much more than that. If I am wrong, I will take the cuffs off. But I don't think I am."
She paused then, and I looked up at her, then back at her feet. My cheeks burned a crimson red, as I weighed the options. In the end, I looked up at her, and smiled. She reached down and cupped my cheek. I remember so well how the coolness of her hand felt on my reddened cheek. Her lips grazed my forehead as she leaned down to whisper into my ear. "I've never had a pet before, but I do know you. We will both learn what this will be. And boy... This is much more than sex."
She was right.
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