Resolution

Submitted by Jimmie Garsdale


Here is my confession/New Year's Resolution for 2010,

I am not a child so I am going to stop acting like one. No more playing silly games with people. No more neglecting responsibility. No more acting a fool when I am certainly not one. All of this seems to be very vague and noncommittal, but if you will indulge me with a bit of your time I will offer up a piece of my life from 2009 and perhaps it will shine some light on resolutions.

I spent most of 2009 fostering a crush for a girl I met online. A girl I started chatting with through a BDSM personals site. I messaged her on a whim, because she was local, her profile was interesting, and I thought she was cute enough. Almost immediately I was very impressed with her. She was very engaging in conversation. We shared a lot of interests that I often do not share with girls I become interested in. Interests in and out of a BDSM lifestyle. The more we chat the more I felt lucky to have crossed paths with such a person. I felt especially lucky, because I had just about given up on finding anyone honest through the internet.

Now this girl made clear at the beginning of our exchange that she had intentions to pursue a Dominant she had already been chatting with. However this guy was not local and way out of state, which in my mind lead me to believe I still had a chance with her. Me being local I felt I still had a decent chance and I was very reluctant stop engaging this girl. I very quickly fell for her, but after a month of chatting (just about every evening) she went silent. I was disappointed, but I knew she was still interested in the long distance guy. When she went silent I assumed things got more serious between them and were keeping her away from IM. I was “happy” to leave it there when about another month later she popped into my chat window, again.

By now it was about the middle of the summer, which wasn't turning out to be all that exciting for me. I spent 2009 making just about enough money to pay my bills and not leaving any to have fun with. However what with the economy being so bad and all I ought to feel lucky that I have enough to cover my bills. So anyway this chick pops into my chat box to catch up. It turns out things have progressed with her long distance guy, which she tells me all about. I graciously applaud her as “the one that got away.” I expressed my regret at not being the focus of her affection, but wish her the best. We pop out of each other's IM boxes, again.

By the end of the summer I am getting ready for my best friend's wedding when guess who sends me an IM. Apparently, Mr Lon-Distance Internet Guy turned out to be a real asshole to the girl who had been running through my mind all summer. After months of chatting, he and she met. She fell hard for him. More in real life than she did online. She took him to her brother's wedding and introduced him to all of her family. And then he promptly dumped her for someone else who he claimed to be closer and easier to work things out with. Well, that is how she told me about it. So I am not sure what to make of this scenario. She is devastated and coming to my IM box for comfort, which I am more than happy to give. I want you to know I am not so smarmy to think that this is how I get to hook up with this girl. I related to her how awesome she is. At least to the extent that I see she is awesome. We start doing voice chat instead of IMs. I flirt. She flirts. I relate that I still want a fair shot when she is ready to feel good about herself. Things seem to be going well when she up and dips out of my IM box, again.

About two weeks ago now, after another month's time where none of my messages are replied to, she pops up. And she drops more drama in my lap. Only this time she has two guys she has been digging. One is, like, totally nice and super supportive and the ideal guy any girl could ever hope for... or something like that. The other isn't so hot, but is hawt and makes her tingle. She doesn't know which one she wants to be serious about...

Fuck that. I want nothing to do with this chick anymore. I mean I let myself get excited about this girl again and again only to be kept at arms length the entire time. Hell, we've only interacted through the internet, which I would say is much further than arms length. I don't mean to imply I am owed anything. The only thing I expect is a grown up conversation. I made my interest in her clear multiple times and received flirty chit chat in response. And I'll admit I enjoyed said chit chat. However at this point I feel very foolish about every going down this road. The whole thing feels like a crappy soap opera.

I am a twenty-nine year old guy pining for some chick he met over the internet who only seems interested when she wants to work out her boy drama. Fuck that. No thank you. I guess that makes me a crumby friend, but reading line after line of how feels about other guys... it pisses me off and makes me feel more than a little pathetic. In the new year I am looking for adult relationships. What that means exactly, I haven't a clue. However doing what I have been doing isn't satisfying so I am going to be keeping an eye open for new opportunities.

If you've read this all the way to this point, thank you.