*A very handsome, albeit on the shortish-side, elf bounds up to me and kneels at My feet*
Greetings Miss Gabrielle!
I'm Elbert the elf, third-class. Garth was called away on a super-subbie emergency to save the world this morning and sends his apologies. He said he knew You would understand. I must say, if I may, that You are even more beautiful then Garth described. Though I do find Garth's diction and use of languages well-above average. And what a wonderful subbie he is. Loyal, kind, handsome, smart, handsome, hard working, handsome, extremely modest and… did I mention handsome?
Here at the North Pole, I suppose that You know it's really Mrs. Claus that runs the show. Of course, she sends subbie claus to do all the work. And over the years and various translation issues, people have screwed up the name from subbie claus to "Santa Claus," but no worries. Mistress Claus has no intention of riding around in a freezing old sleigh and working all night long, and why should she? She has subbie claus and countless subbie elves to do all the work for her.
It's another myth that we elves are tiny people. Yes, we aren't the tallest people in the world, not like you're average 7 foot tall Second Life person. But the reason that people think us so small is pictures. Over the years people look at the pictures, and they see us as being only knee high, when in truth we are just actually kneeling. For marketing purposes, Mistress Claus uses the picture of her grandfather, photoshopped to make it look like the elves are in front of subbie claus. Oh... You wonder why she uses a picture of her grandfather? Well, the real Mistress Claus is a hottie.. oops.. i mean very beautiful woman and would never own a three hundred year old subbie that looked his age. The real subbie claus is very much a stud muffin, as you might expect, and if he fails to deliver the presents on time, his ass will be as red as that coat she allows him to wear on Christmas Eve!!!
The reindeer as You probably know aren't deer at all. That's right, they are furries!!! Subbies who delight in appearing as animals. And, just like in Second Life, all they need to do is to push the "Fly" button on their viewer, and off they go! "Santa" isn't allowed to whip them, but they know who will if they don't move fast enough! The old Christmas story about Rudolph was really about a furry that Mistress Claus whipped until his ass was so bright it lit the night.. but again.. marketing prevailed.
The North Pole.. that's a joke that still cracks Mistress Claus up. The real business is located in California. Mistress is a Cali-girl. The original term North Pole was a reference to a dildo that Mistress Claus used on the North end of Santa.. thus.. the North Pole! She would say, "subbie claus, wiggle that ass.. it's the 'North Pole' for you!".. but alas.. marketing needs required a softer, more PG, version.
There are so many things i could tell You that are the "REAL" world of Santa Claus, but, alas, i have run out of time,. We are on very strict schedules, and Mistress Claus is not one to disappoint! Now, down to business, the reason for my visit is that we received a Christmas wish list from Garth, and as he is an owned subbie, Mistress Claus requires that his owner check off and approve the items that She will allow him to have from us. Umm.. it was 296 pages, so Mistress said to give it to You in a Word file. *holds out a flash* She seems to seriously doubt You will approve it all *shrugs* and we also noticed that some things like "Dirt Bike," were on there multiple times. So please do with it as You wish, and resend it to us via any mall Santa, (yes, they do work for Mistress) when You're ready.
It was lovely meeting You Miss Gabrielle, and Mistress has her finest subbies .. oops.. I mean.. elves.. marketing you know.. working on Your gifts. Have a wonderful day and I hope to see You again!
Oh.. and Mistress wanted me to ask that You not leave any cookies out for subbie claus, she said he's putting on weight!
*With that, the cheerful little elf hops up from the floor, and with a puff of magic dust.. oops.. just dirt on his shoes..eep!.. runs out the door to the waiting yellow cab and zooms away*
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