Separate Selves

First, I’d like to thank the Ladies of the Dominion for providing this forum to write a confession in regard to balancing my vanilla and submissive lives. But before doing that, let me first confess to feeling intimidated by the well-written past ones of other Dominion members I was fortunate enough to read. While I enjoy writing – particularly in a Femdom context - feelings of trying to ‘measure up’ with my word-smithing and conveying heartfelt emotion continually creep into my head as I type. These feelings are actually a manifestation of an aspect of my submissiveness – desiring to prove my worthiness to the women to whom I submit, hoping for their praise. Probably a vanity I need to work on, but I’ll save that for another confession.

While in relationships, I’ve had difficulty expressing my submissive needs to the person I’ve been with. Fear of rejection, or their being met with severe disapproval, or an irrevocable shift in the relationship I would be unable to handle past short-term pleasures, all have conspired to largely keep my thoughts to myself. In hindsight, a few of the women I’ve been with probably sensed my submissiveness, but I was too burdened by my own fears to take notice. As a result, I’ve secretively sought out alternatives outlets to express my submissive side. My desire to serve, my need to act and be treated as an obedient slave in a strong woman’s presence, my craving for her punishments, and my passion to adulate and worship – all found their refuge in others. I have allowed women, who at times I have barely known, to touch, prod, poke, electrify, tie-up, slap, spank, and clamp various parts of my body– including my most intimate ones – in the name of experiencing the sweet gratification of submission. And often ‘allowing’ them to do so has in reality meant pleading for the punishments I craved for them to impart. I can only imagine the shock and embarrassment a vanilla partner would have felt were she to see me crawling on my belly toward a woman I referred to as my ‘Mistress’ just so that I may beg for her next punishment, or the right to brighten the shine of her leather boots with my tongue, or most embarrassingly, to pleasure myself under her watchful eye.

These are the images I carry with me – sometimes pleasure, sometimes burden. Like the man who dreams he’s a butterfly and wakes up one day pondering whether he or the butterfly is the actual dream, it is difficult to say where my reality lies. Am I the conventional man with submissive fantasies or a natural submissive masquerading in a suit? I don’t pretend to know the answer to that question at this time, but asking it aloud and publicly in the Dominion at least places the question in naked sunlight for observation by myself, my brothers and sisters here, and the benevolent Ladies who rule. It would be a comfort to dream and live as one, so I don’t find myself needing to hide my keystrokes or the marks of my correction.

I hope to do a better job of balancing these alternative senses of self I carry with me every day going forward. Certainly, the Dominion provides a supportive community for sharing and exploring the feelings I have largely kept under wraps from others, and in so doing, I suspect will help me be less guarded with them. For that opportunity, I’d like to once again thank the Ladies, and fellow subs/slaves, of the Dominion. I confess (that word, again), when I first heard of the Confessions Event from Miss Zarita, I was reminded of the forced ‘confessions’ political prisoners are often persuaded to give for wrong-doings they never committed. While that may make for a fun role-play in itself sometime, I realize in writing mine that that isn’t the case at all here. It is a very unforced (maybe prodded a bit) way to share intimate thoughts and feelings with a caring community of like-minded individuals.