This confession came to me in the wee hours of the morning when my imagination was in full swing and without the censorship of my fully awake and alert mind. It it is true and happened to me at such a young age I had no knowledge or idea of what I was doing or why, I was simply compelled to do what follows.
I was in fact a child perhaps well on her way to puberty but the finer points of relationships were not yet an interest and the mention of kissing would make me blush furiously. I had a small group of friends but there was one girl in particular I felt drawn to. Even today as I write, thinking of her brings a fond smile. I would get all tongue tied and silly and nearly trip over myself to get something she requested or to do something I thought was likely to get a smile. Oh yes that smile! I would do anything for that smile and when it appeared it would send butterflies dancing in the pit of my stomach. What I now know of course , is that this was just a simple first crush but not then, girls did not have those feeling for other girls ever, or they were doomed to become the crazy cat lady or some such thing. At any rate no one wanted to be one of THEM.
So this one special friend and I continued to spend a lot of time together and my heart continued to soar. We skipped and blasted the “footloose” soundtrack repeatedly from a tiny pink stereo I got for my birthday. We thought we were cool, and come summer , my parents decided we could be trusted to spend nights together while our parents visited with friends. I'm not sure how she would describe our friendship during that time, but I think of it like playing house.
We would watch movies and I would ask her to kneel down in front of me so I could play with her hair during the movie. I remember the smell of her green apple shampoo and the feel of her back against my legs. Oh how I loved being close to her and I must admit that was the reason for the hair play in the first place. Throughout the summer I matured a lot and began to piece two and two together, I liked her and I had feelings for her -- whatever that meant. (It would be at least another decade before I would consider myself as lesbian or worse yet – bisexual.) I had figured out I had great affection for her and I also figured out when I touched her I got all warm and tingly and my body had responses even at this young I knew to be related to SEX. Where to go or what to do ? I had no idea but I wanted her or it.
As I sit and try to think about how to describe this to you , the words that come to mind are, “just like a teenage boy” and maybe that does sum it up. I was giddy, awkward and clumsy in my attempts to get close to her. Laying in bed late at night gossiping about our friends I would cuddle and cress her. During those late night talks I memorized everything about her, her voice, her smell and yes her body. I learned very quickly that her breath held more clues as to the affect my touch was having on her. I would experiment with light strokes , gentle circles and different areas of her skin. Nothing overtly sexual at first although even I can not delude myself of my ultimate intentions, I wanted to make her feel as good as she made me feel.
One night no different from all the others, or so I thought. We had been talking and caressing and I had become brave enough to stroke her inner thigh and allow my hand to roam between her legs for brief seconds and she would usually redirect my hand but not tonight. Tonight she let it linger and if I am to trust my memory she even opened herself to me slightly. Her breath quickened as did mine. In that moment it was our breath as well as the pounding of my heart that is etched in my memory. Could it be? Was this really happening? As my mind struggled to make sense of it my body sent its own messages my way. It knew what it wanted.
I looked up into her eyes for confirmation and finding it, brought my fingertips up to her lips tracing them lightly. I lingered on her face cupping it in my hands tracing the curve of her collarbone. Again our breaths quickened and encouraged I let my fingertips run over her breasts and the tips of her nipples. A soft murmur and a gasp escaped her lips and she blushed. It was the most beautiful sound hearing her moans of pleasure and knowing it was me that was causing them. She tensed though, causing me to do the same. “Shh... Shh” I said. “It's OK, It's supposed to feel good.” Apparently this was all the reassurance she needed because she did relax I continued caressing her with one hand and allowed my mouth to explore the other breast. She moaned again. I continued licking tasting her mound of flesh. Letting my tongue wander in circles and flicker across her now hardening nipple. I loved it I was in near ecstasy and by the sounds of it so was she. I might have been tempted to stop things there because I was already in such a state and was experiencing more pleasure than I had thought possible but there was something else urging me on. I wanted more and it seemed she did too.
I stayed on my side my body pressed up against her and as I continued to kiss her chest I let my hand slide further down her abdomen then I traced the outside of her hip before crossing my hand over her leg and caressing her inner thigh. Then I take a deep breath and risk letting my hand rub firmly up and down her soft mound. Light teasing caresses, I'm in no hurry, I want this to last forever. However, her body wanted more. I thought I felt her arch up and press against my hand but I wasn't sure. I did press harder and then I realized just how wet she truly was. My hand was now sliding up and down easily on her soft folds. What a turn on for me, I became even more wet then I had been. I must say I do know the pleasure she was experiencing as I had already discovered for myself how good it felt to touch oneself. What I didn't expect was how great I felt watching another’s pleasure and that I was in control of giving that pleasure. Even without prior experience I knew she was getting close because her breath was coming in gasps. She had forgotten to be self conscious of her noises and I also knew instinctively that I wanted to watch her face as she came, so I propped myself up on one arm and continued stroking her, then suddenly she arched once and held my hand firmly in place. I watched her face, she had squeezed her eyes shut tightly but her cheeks were red and flushed, and she had beads of sweat on her upper lips. Those Lips!!! They were plump and slightly pinker than normal. My words cannot do justice to that face but I will never forget it. I wasn't at all sure if she had finished or not so I just kept my hand where it was and when her breath slowed a wee bit I tried small round circles. And if she didn’t moan again softly and bite down on her lip. I kept going and so did she. If there was doubt before I had none now, she threw back her head and a low guttural moan escaped her lips and then she pushed my hand away. I understood she was finished and any touch from me only hurt her now. I laid my head on her chest and caressed her skin tenderly as I looked up into her eyes and smiled.
Wow was all she said.
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