It Is Painful Not Being All I Know I Can Be by Anonymous

The pain of not being all you know you can be.

It is easier when i have One to serve, to obey, who knows and anticipates my wants and needs, and selectively administers them to me, in the manner of their choosing.

i have been blessed to have known One like this, and to have enjoyed this ease for a long stretch of time.

i do not mean to make this all sound so rosy.  It may have been easier, but that is not to say it was always easy, and life is a journey, and change is inevitable.

It is hard to be submissive, collarless, free, and to seek Another.

The very act of "seeking" does not come naturally to me, i ache to be found, discovered, cherished, and shaped.

But, and this is hard to write, hard to admit, hard to confess...

There are wants, and needs, and things that i seek, that gnaw at my thoughts and desires beneath that ever present urge to serve...

I remember like it was yesterday what She said to me as we were saying goodbye "in the end it will always be about You, what You want, won't it?"

That question, like a punch in the gut, painful because of the truth of it.  That is the heart of my dilemma, the core of the struggle deep within.

Recently i was a bad submissive.

I was bad not because someone told me so, or because i was punished for disobedience.  i was bad because i know i could have been better, could have served more dutifully, could have stretched further my willingness to obey without question...but i did not.

i do not believe in "have to's" or "should's"  i believe in personal responsibility and that every action i take is a choice, admittedly some choices made with more care than others.

These past few days i have asked myself repeatedly "what was i choosing?"   It's painful to ask myself this, to admit i have wants, admit i was choosing something when a part of me so desperately wants to choose to obey, always.

And still, repeatedly i chose to prioritize other needs even though i knew i was disappointing myself by making these choices.

I confess.  i have needs and wants.  i am a needy and wanting submissive.  i do not like it.  i do not wish to have this voice in my skull that is so wanting.  The lust in my veins that is so wanting.  i ache for the cool, serene, serenity of obedience, always...

It is painful to not be all you know you can be...

I am in pain.