'Fearful' - Tehgan

This is a confession about fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of the known becoming overwhelming and overtaking. The recent Black and Blue Munch touched up on the topic which made me think about it well after it was over. We are quick to think of fear in the terms of submissives and how the dominant will handle him or her, but we didn't address the fear a dominant might have.

Fear – a noun defined by many ways but the one definition which hits me is:
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is
real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

As a dominant it's almost expected to be in complete control of our emotions ... and fears. When we show fear it's perceived as a weakness or a flaw in our dominance. If we give the slightest indication that something brings out an apprehension or if it causes us to take a cautious step back, it's misunderstood that we might not have the emotional strength to take the task on.

This is my accountability to my fear of fear. How it can freeze me in place when I don't know how to deal with it when its icy claws take over my mind.

They say facing your fears will help you resolve them. I also have a fear of heights but even though I've never jumped out of a plane I can tell you that no number of jumps will cure that fear; and in fact, will only scare the shit out of me more and will help the fear take deeper roots within me.

This is fear making a statement through me and to you. How it will creep around the edges of my perfectly calm sanity waiting for a moment to pounce and make a complete chaotic mess of my world.

It freezes me emotionally.
It shatters dreams and aspirations I have.
It breaks me down and leaves me huddled while I cry in heart-wrenched sobs.

If fear were a sub I could handle it better. There's no end to the tools and tactics to confront it and humble it into submission; breaking its iron will into fragile glass-like shards where I would stomp on them and watch them crumble into dust.

I give fear too much power over me. It controls when I can open up to someone. I will control if I let them get to know me too much. It helps me to pull back and reserve a part of me that is the most vulnerable in protection of it. It keeps me from taking another risk or chance. If I could just tell it to stop then I could ignore it.

Conquer – a verb again defined by many ways but the most fitting for me is:
to gain a victory over; surmount; master; overcome: to conquer disease and poverty;
to conquer one's fear.