"The way of love is not
a subtle argument.
The door there
is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling,
they're given wings."
— Rumi
Whilst I have played with subs in rl, and had a part time sub in a different State who would visit sporadically, I have never fully collared anyone before offline. Alex was "it".. he was Mine.. after a year and a half of tumultuousness online, one separation and a hell of a lot of grovelling on his part to come back.. finally we met in person 4 months ago. When we met.. it all just *fitted*.. we were like two peas in a pod. Admittedly a Dominant pea and a somewhat submissive pleading pea..but notheless that kind of symetry and synergy was just *there*. We laughed , we played, we talked, we ate, we bowled, we walked, we went to theatre and watched tv and yes even cried sometimes.. all the time it seemed to me on each of his visits we became closer and closer.. that a point of *no return* was reached by me.. I fell in love with not only the boy but the man . I wanted him near me, I wanted to have him all the time..and we were working towards that. Everything seemed perfect.. maybe it was too perfect..that I so desperately wanted this to work, I didnt see the cracks.
Then the unravelling...so fast from what I thought was the tighest of bonds.to a mess of tattered threads strewn with seeming ease all over the floor of my heart. He wasn't so sure anymore...he wanted different things. Communication broke down and it seemed we fell through the rabbit hole.. nothing was as it seemed.. it was a whole new world. Confusion set in. I did not have my bearings in this new landscape as all previous landmarks no longer existed. I did know I couldn't do it this way and that there would be worse to come , so I did the only thing I felt I could do to control this downward spiral and save myself from more pain .. I let him go. .. better one swift blow than death by a thousand cuts was my reasoning. I suddenly did not have my boy anymore.. did not have the person I felt had engraved a place not only in my heart but on my very essence . Cutting off my right hand might have been less painful.
I wanted to blame him and still there are whispering tendrils of that .. the anger part of the grieving process is still smouldering in the embers of what was a beautiful and powerful bond. What I do know is that I have my own responsibility . Do you blame someone for changing their mind? Do you blame them for your own sense of rejection? Do you blame them for the trust you see lying in the gutter? Do you blame them for your grief that seems to drag through the days and nights like a cold shadow? Ultimately and, as much as you might want to, you cannot. It only disempowers you and denigrates what you did share. Sometimes, You have to stand in the hurt and the pain and accept it as you accepted the love and happiness. You have to welcome it in and allow it to burn and wash you clean with waves so big they sometimes threaten to drag you down so deep you feel you will suffocate....but breathe you must and breathe you do.
I have learned in the most painful of ways that when you really feel that depth of connection.. , that as much as you might *own* someone, they also *own* you. The D/s paradigm works both ways. They will always be a part of you. As one of my favourite writers Jeanette Winterson said in one of her books "there is no true love that does not pierce the heart and soul". As much as they give, you give. I gave everything I could ... and I don't regret it ...even though it hurts like hell. My path now is a little blurred and uncertain and I know it would be very easy for me to slip into safe jaded cynicism .. and whilst that might provide the protection for now that I need to heal as the waves are still so rough .. I know I cannot stay there for too long.. the path must be travelled.
Zarita
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