New Year's Resolution by Anonymous

New year resolution
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"This year as well, you have been a dissapointment"
Oh, it feels so bad to be a dissapointment! I've been nothing but a waste of time! I was given the opportunity I so longed for, and I messed it up. I know I've been good this year, and I've been bad, (I know, I really tried to learn from it) but the total sum is, evidently, minus. Dissapointment. Again, and straight for who knows how many years.

I don't know, it sounds little suspicious, I really had a good feeling this year and most of the time I've been good. I did get offended a few times, I did feel ignored and reacted with some passive aggressive, but that's really nothing in volume comparing last years, I didn't do much drama. I've been pleasing and I've been said to be have "mildly impressed" quite a few times this year. But maybe the expecations were still higher.

Can this whole thing be a mindfuck? ohhh, I must never ask that question! That question puts in doubt everything, the good and the bed, it can mix up everything and blindfold me in that emotional world which parts of are just a part of my imagination anyway. in which I feel quite helpless as it is. and when I feel as if something may not be real or not take something seriously I end up getting hurt.

Maybe it's time to give up then. Maybe I've been a dissapointment too long  I should really take the cue and quit. But she give me a cues, if I really bored her I'd be simply gone, if I get so lucky and she would spare me and only dump in a far place to be mostly on my own.

I must not give up because when I'm about to give up, I must remind myself this is all just a mindfuck, a game, a play, a fantasy that can not exist in reality. but just as I understand it, voom, that understanding is gone and it all returns to be as real as it can be. just without any exit door this time.

So giving up is not an option, and this is not a mindfuck either. If so then the only conclusion that comes out is to try much harder next year there's no way around it. Maybe if I'm really good the good vs. bad deeds scale will shift dramatically and next year I'll get the "Mildly impressive" title. Oh that might be poisonous for me - I'm not sure how it will affect me but I might become fat and sick. She might have to employ some mindfucking to avert this from happening, just for my own good, which is still her interest oddly.

Happy new year!