The Inquisitor Goes To Hell by Doc

The Grand Inquisitor looked forward to a busy day rooting out heretics, Jews, wizards, and witches from his beloved Spain.  Though he didn't really like the smell of burning human flesh, he simply thought of his job as one of purification.  He was, as laid out in The Book of Judges, pleasing God by burning these degenerates and turning them into smoke.
 
It was a shock when he emerged from his home and found everything in chaos.  Little did he know that he had been swept up from Spain in the Year of our Lord 1490 to Spain in a year of Satan:  1937.

“What’s going on,” he asked a passerby.  He had never heard such a thunderstorm in his life!  The woman stared at his strange clothing for a second and then just said, “They have encircled the city, the sons of bitches.  They’re fucking bombing us!”  He had no idea what ‘bombing’ was but he knew she had spoken impiously. “Sister, you need not use that language in front of a man of God.  She stared, said ‘fuck you’, and then raised her skirt.  “And to hell with you… priest.”

The Inquisitor was aghast.  He was in Satan’s Hell!  He must have died in his sleep and been taken off by demons.  He dropped to his knees, shaking.  The woman laughed at him.  “Kneeling to worship me, priest?”  He numbly looked up.  “You are a witch!  Possessed by Satan.  You are sent to tempt me.”  A verse of scripture that -- didn't quite match the circumstances --  crossed his mind: the words of Satan.  “All these things I will give You, if You fall down and worship me."  The Grand Inquisitor looked at the woman, his gaze pausing as it moved from her face to her breasts to her hips and…. She had now lowered her skirt – but he could still see in his mind what had been revealed to him moments ago.

She chuckled, looking down at the kneeling man.  “I see you noticed.  Now, before we are both killed standing here in this street, follow me.”  The inquisitor only then noticed that, though the thunder continued, the sky was blue.  “Strange” he thought.  As he looked up he saw birds that he had never seen before high overhead.  They shone in the sun like silver.  Their wings were spread wide and never moved.  They roared.  He had no idea what to make of these.

“You fool.  Follow me!” the woman said.  “Oh, and my name is Maria.”  She grabbed him.  “Hurry, they are bombers,” she shouted.  Only an instant later pillars of smoke and enormous crashes of noise erupted on the next street.  The inquisitor now began to wonder is Hell was simply eternal warfare waged by demons against demons, each bent on crushing sinners between their armies. “Certainly that must be it,” he thought, dimly recalling a very suspect book he had read years ago about Hell, writing by an Italian of dubious reputation; his name was Durante alle Zattere, or something like that.  He could not recall anything in that book, named Inferno, relating to demons fighting each other, but ….  The inquisitor, now following Maria, stared at her buttocks under a flimsy cotton skirt.  He knew it was a violation of the 10th commandment to look at Maria with lust, but – if he was already in Hell, then it was obvious he could not be condemned to Hell for gazing on her loins, right?

He then reasoned – in the same line –“If I’ve been judged a sinner and sent to Hell, then Satan is my new Lord and Master.  If this woman is a demon, I have no reason  NOT to engage in sin with her.”  He looked at her breasts.  “I am beyond the purview of the commandments of God, since I am no longer a servant of Him,” he said aloud without thinking.

“Priest, you better get moving or we’re going to get blown to bits!  Here, follow me into this basement!”  He obeyed her instantly.

Once they were under the protection of the huge concrete building, Maria turned to him and said, “I heard you say you are no longer a servant of God.  So, I have a proposition to make you.  What about becoming *my* servant?”  A huge explosion, very near, made the man start shaking.  “Whatever you want, demon!  Whatever you demand!”
 
She smiled, trying to look innocent.  “Well, you could start by worshiping me!”  He nodded vigorously.  She decided that she had nothing to lose with this strange male person, so she then said, “Promise me you will love, honor and obey me for all time!” (Maria had a sense of humor.  Besides, messing with this guy’s mind was a distraction from the German bombers overhead.  She didn't even want to think about the Italian troops closing from the north and east.)

He said nothing at first, so she pressed her luck. “Now!  I want you to promise!”  She pulled up her dress so he could see her better.  She had no underthings left.  They’d long since been left behind.

“Promise to obey me!” she shouted.  He nodded.  “Yes, I promise, demon.  I am yours forever, spawn of Satan.”  (Maria had no clue what this meant.  It sounded just like the thing a weird priest would rattle on about….).

“Again,” she said!  “Say it and mean it!  And then add, ‘I will sin with you forever and ever amen.”

“I promise to love, honor and obey you for all time.  I will sin with you forever and ever amen.”

It was an instant later when a bomb flattened the building in which Maria and the Inquisitor were hiding.  Flames quickly erupted.  The two were trapped in the fire.  She died quickly.   He screamed as the flames burned into his flesh.  He could smell his burning flesh.  Soon it was over.  He turned into smoke.

Maria and The Inquisitor  arrived at the Gates almost at the same time.  The only words they heard were, “You have renounced the right to enter here.  Return to spend all eternity to your lord and master.  And they fell into The Pit of Eternal Fire, united there for all time.  She was indeed his new goddess – but he learned quickly that she was truly demonic.  He suffered under her power.  He was bound for all time to love, honor and obey her.

Maria took full advantage of her power.   The Inquisitor was to pay for his sins Forever.