S.A.M., psychopath, narcissist, liar or manipulative… Are just words. They hold no meaning nor give any satisfaction.
you showered me with photos you took. Sent me poems every day unbidden. And you told me, "I understand you won't collar me for consideration till i end it with the other Domme that is local to me. It's all taken care of, we are just friends. i am going to a wedding with her as my photography buddy and my wife will be there. Yes, i will put your consideration of me on fetlife. So sorry she is troubling you now. Not sure what i was thinking when i took her apartment key the day of the wedding and lied to you and my wife. i know i told you i had problems with fidelity and honesty. i just don't like to disappoint people but that is over now. i don't want that anymore. i want you."
Some days were fine and others emotional. I asked for regular communication, to be advised of when I could expect you, a blog, a mantra and a morning poem or photo. I watched you struggle. you said, "Maybe i am not a sub. i am used to being punished and ignored. Yah, i like it. i know you don't like to behave that way with me. Submit or leave? Yah, i guess i just have to make a choice"
There was no normal, my life was changing. "No, i am not going to talk in front of her because you get mad that i always end up saying something wrong. it's like i am a teenager i can't help but talk sexually to her and about her. I know you are friends with Her and my behaviour makes it awkward for You. i really like her and am very attracted to her. So what if we slept together and i wanted her to be my Domme? She's a good friend and i made a promise to go see her." I felt pushed into choices I didn't want to make and you replied "What do you mean i can't do a two day trip to go see her? It's over now even though i still won't attempt to talk to her in front of you because i feel i can't stop talking to her sexualized way. Fine. By the way, I left half my stuff in another state recently and i need to drive back and get it. Will be gone two days. What? Oh yah it did take me 2 days just to drive one direction… guess that is 4 or 5 round trip. Nevermind. I won't go get or dispose of half my property."
And still I met you. We were finally together. You came to my home and i gave you my collar. you cried and blogged about the overload of emotion. The emotions made you restless, you acted out. It cascaded for over a week and finally, "I don't know if i am cut out to be a sub. Maybe it's just better if i did orgies instead. After all, i am still attractive enough and could make it in the scene. Don't give me the line about using You. We were going to see what happened. Oh yah. i did take your collar. Guess i should get my head out of my ass, huh?"
I sought get you back on track, to read between the lines but no matter what i did i was wrong. you had changed. you stopped the things you loved. i asked about it and you replied, "Well you creatively castrated me. yes, I told you i did paranormal, weddings, graduations, families and model portfolios. now i show you what i actually do and i can tell that the whole tits and ass thing doesn't appeal to you. Well of course i can still do things. Guess i shouldn't blame you."
How much more was hidden? What was truth? you accused me, "You didn't let me talk to her. i know you didn't say it. i was just angry on Your behalf because She didn't respect You. i told you to Your face many times i haven't spoken to Her and i know You told me to notecard her and get the matter cleared up. i did note card Her, Mistress. No, it didn't contain reference to the problem because i already sorted it out. yes i talked to Her a number of times."
Silence.
How do you remember the time between these words when numbness creeps into your soul?
You are gone. The blog is gone. Every method of communication deleted in 5 minutes of release. By you. Nothing to mark the craziness. No reflection. No words left to say.
I was paranoid. I was no longer in control. you decided what rules you would follow. you decided to ignore my pleas to stop the drama; to stop the pain. you could have walked away and left me in peace if I wasn't what you wanted. Maybe this was what you wanted and I am just a fool.
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