Ghost Mistress Anonymous

The sun beat down on the over heated metal of the old car.

Heat haze rose from the sheet metal in waves as time slowed down.

The dusty smell of new mown hay was strong.

Mixed with the astringent scent of fresh cut wood.

The smell was intoxicating.

There was also the smell of heated cloth, and the acrid smell of burnt insulation.

All over lain with the drifting teasing taint of gasoline.

I sat slumped forward in the old two tone green machine.

Totally relaxed, eyes closed, breathing long slow breaths thru my slack mouth.

There was no pain, there was no.....awareness.

Only me....and the heat....and the smells.

Then....the sounds.....oh the sounds....the soft sensual sounds.

Bird somewhere trilling, chirping....pipping as if nothing unusual had happened.

and the tic, swish, tictic of field grasses tapping against metal.

A creaking, a low groan of stressed wood, metal.....earth.

it was a symphony...a low....on going... intricate weave of sounds leading my attention this way and that.

I could have lain there forever in that moment.

I wanted to lay there.....and drift.

It was calm....and warm...... and almost pleasant.

But.....the memories seeped in.

The shock of waking up,...I had fallen asleep at the wheel.... the decision....the oh so bad decision.

The wheels locking up, the tires skidding and screaming.

The crunch of gravel, the snap and slap of branches.

The roller coaster thrill and terror, then blackness.

And now.......the drifting....and the memories.......

OHHHH!!....WHERE IS SHE?! Where is she?

She was next to me....holding my hand.

Humming along with the radio.

Where is she ....where...ahhhhh!.....I can't see her!

That was months ago.....many long...agonizing....months ago.

She visits me now.....during the long sleepless nights.

She tells me...its alright.

She doesn't blame me.

When the pain......yes..the pain eventually followed

when the pain was finally gone..... the physical pain...

When the therapists had done all they could do.

Life went on.....and then the real pain....the pain of loss began.

The nights of racking sobs began, the tears that could not stop.

but life went on.

I survived, I went back to work, I did.....normal things.

I shopped, I ate......I hid inside myself.

and then the nights.

The longing began, the memories of before that day returned.

The songs on the radio that reminded me of her.

The smell of the coffee she brewed in the morning...I loved it..I hated it.

I lost sleep, I lost weight........I lost......interest....in everything.

Then...one cold...rainy night.

I lay in my dark bedroom, surrounded by layers of pillows.

Drifting in thoughts of her, the scent of her....still imagined on my pillows.

Thats when she came to me.....unseen.....

Whispered in my ear.......blew lightly on my cheek.

Sighed against my lips that she would always be with me.

That she would be there whenever I needed her.

That we would always be together.

I slept.

I woke the next morning, long scratches on my sides....legs.

light bruises on my thighs.

Satisfaction deep.....inside of me.

She had forgiven me.

MISTRESS........ was back.