I Hate Humiliation... I Think... Wait

Submitted anonymously by a submissive at Dominion

Humiliation is one of the hardest things for me to endure. I know there's plenty of submissives that crave it and feed off it, but I am dead serious when I say I am not among them. I don't want to feel embarrassed, I don't want to be the center of attention, I don't want people staring at me. And yet, it brings me to a place I crave to be.

Humiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. I find it interesting that the word 'submission' is at the end of the definition (which I got off wikipedia). Perhaps humiliation is at the core of submission and it's unavoidable.

I love feeling helpless, overpowered, beaten down and unable to resist. It's a state I need help getting to. A long hard beating can do it, can put me there for hours. Being told to strip in front of a room full of people gets me there a whole lot faster, and that's because of humiliation. Or is it embarrassment? Is there a difference? I don't mean to say that I'm ashamed of my body, I'm just ashamed to be forced to be naked in front of others, to be unable to hide my body, to be unable to hide my arousal. Is this humiliation?

There's various degrees of humiliation, of course. Just being naked versus being naked and having to oil wrestle. Or having to wear women's clothing. Or even more drastic things that eliminate all possibility of dignity or attractiveness. At some point I have a line where it turns from something that puts me into that space I want to be and something that starts to erode my ego and becomes negative. I'm not sure where that line is, and I think it's a moving target.

I don't crave humiliation itself, please make no mistake about that. I only crave where it'll bring me. I need to walk through fire to get to a place where I'll smolder. I know I react well to some forms of it, and that fact makes me feel like my body's betraying me.

I don't fully understand, and over the past few months it's getting more and more confusing to me. There was a time when I would simply beg to avoid it. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe my humiliation is a gift to a dominant. It's my place to provide entertainment if ordered to do so, no matter how hard it is for me to do so. It's their desire to see me fall into a state of submission, of helplessness and being lost. The fact that it's so damn difficult for me might make it that much more satisfying to them. Thus, my first instinct is to avoid it, my second is to realize that I, as a submissive, need to suffer through it to reach a goal that is pleasurable both for myself and for those imposing this unique form of psychological violence upon me.

I've seen some amazing things in my short time at Dominion. People put into situations that make me cringe to think about what they must be going through. But they seem to feed off it and thoroughly enjoy it. Are they enjoying the humiliation itself, or are they like me, they only enjoy where it takes them? Do they even know? Am I splitting hairs here? Is it possible that too much humiliation too often takes the edge off it? Like building up a tolerance to a drug, does it lose effectiveness, does it cause one to have to go further and further to even more humiliating depths to have an effect? I don't even want to think about that.

In the end, these choices are not mine, I know. I'm not really the one who has to find these answers, but by realizing that there is a goal beyond just the humiliation itself, perhaps that will help me to endure it when it happens.

It is hard to write this, knowing there may be those amongst the readers who are in control of me and may take advantage. My guess is…they already know this. They probably know me better than I do myself. If not, then this confession is like handing them a loaded gun and aiming it at my head and I'll be regretting writing it pretty damn quick.

To those I just handed the gun to, please try to remember that humiliation is one of the hardest things for me. Give some consideration to using a whip instead, it's so much easier to bear. And I don't look good in panties. That last part is important.