Wounded, Broken, Doubting by Daxie

I sit alone thinking about the path laid out before me.  It’s a familiar path, seen over and over again like walking lost in a forest, each tree looking exactly like the others.  Have I been here before? Have my choices been all moot points or is this a new path yet to be traveled? The feeling of being alone and lost is not new to me; in fact some would say it is rather familiar and comforting in ways.

Going through the SL life as if it were RL, I put my heart into my actions and relationships.  I used to trust easily and to care about being trusted.  I feel that this has broken over the last few months.  It is something I know I need to fix inside me but I'm unsure how to do it.  I’ve met some wonderful people some of whom I've had the honor to call Domme.  But these wonderful women have also been cause of pain.

I’ve had three SL relationships.  Each of the three have had common threads.  Each lasted around 6 weeks.  All three broke off for reasons out of my control.

I don’t know what is worse, being released when -- from their point of view -- I was a great submissive, or if I actually had been an asshat and that was the reason for my dismissal.   I jokingly said to one of my submissive friends, "Maybe I’m going about this whole SL submission thing all wrong."  And to that she laughed and said “Daxie, there isn't a mean or impolite bone in your body”  To which I then said “Maybe I need to go out on the MP to find one.”

The last two Dommes I’ve had left SL altogether -- partly on my accord.  They said their feelings were of "becoming too attached", and that though we were looking for RL/SL crossover, they found it painful to have to say 'good night'.

What course of action is there for me?  Is there one?  Is it me?

So here I stand alone, again looking down the D/s path wondering.  Is there a point to walking further down this path or will my path be a retread of the same thing? I’m wounded right now, and -- like many wounded animals -- I have a "fight al"l mentality.  I act out in ways I know I shouldn't; many times I feel I can’t stop it.  It does me no good. I know it. Any witnesses, especially those that know me, must think they are watching a different person.  And maybe my past is changing me more than I want to admit.

I am broken, a fixer-upper so to speak. (Luckily I’m cheap, ha ha).  I don’t do well with pity, which is why I keep to myself and do not let others in.  I’ve heard and heard many discussions/ and read many profiles where most Dommes want a sub with something to offer: skills, talents, mental security and confidence. Skills and talents? Well, I’ll let others see and speak on those.  Mental security and confidence? Few and far between.

Doubting, I’m currently highly cautious regards all 'positivity'.  I'm not sure if or when it is genuine or if or when it is just 'common courtesy.'

I write this not looking for kudos, nor for people to say “hang in there, you’ll find one”, etc etc.  This is a confession --my mind -- self-serving and very therapeutic for me.  Even if no one cares, at least I wrote it and sent it.