Since You've Been Gone by Miss Lisa

Since you’ve been gone.....

I feel as if I am existing in a vacuum; just going through the motions.  I breathe in and out.  I eat, I sleep, I work, I log onto SL, I read a little, I watch TV.  Life goes on. Sometimes I laugh, have a little fun and I am happy again, temporarily.
Most of the time, inside, I feel as if I am drowning, slowly , just a little bit more, every day.
My whole being feels raw. A raw, open wound:  Weeping,  fragile, tender.
We still play our word games on our phones. Our silent way of saying to each other, ‘I’m still here, in your life. I still love you.  I haven’t left you completely’.  We email every week or so: ‘Hi, how are you doing? Winter is on the way. I miss you. I love you’. We still cling desperately to each other;  like fish gasping for air in an evaporating pool.  We cling to the fragments of the relationship that we left behind. Unwilling to let go, unwilling to let each other slip into the abyss of the past; that dark, lonely place of memories, of how things used to be.  I don’t want you to be a fucking memory. I don’t  want  you to be my past.  I want you to be my now, my every day, my life.
Please don’t tell me it gets better. I don’t want to get over you. I want to wallow in this pain forever.  Anything to stop the fear of losing you completely.  The fear of not being significant in your life anymore.   Of not waking up every day thinking of you, wondering if you’re thinking of me.  I’d rather feel this, than feel nothing. Don’t make me let you go.
I welcome the pain. The pain tells me you’re still here. Here where you firmly lodged yourself in the beginning, right here, buried deep within my broken heart.

Lisa (Destiny Teardrop - 20th Oct 2012)