Saturday, May 4, 2013

Chattel Confession


"What the fuck? Where has this pig been? Such an attention whore, gone for a whole month or even more, I bet he did it just to get more attention."

Arggghh!

Disclaimer: This confession is about my feeling, they are irrelevant, my desires and preferences are of no importance, I don't expect them to be, I just got this as a punishment, and it might be interesting to read them, just for general knowledge. Please don't be upset by me talking so much about me here, I know it's a big turn off to some but this is what I was asked to do. Thank you.

Humiliation is usually about making the fine lines between exciting to intoleratable even finer, It's most effective when it is real. Otherwise, it is just a superficial game. At least for me.

I truely believe that my natural place in life is at the very bottom, underground, locked, dehumanised. It makes me feel so complete and so alive. It has to be acknowledged by Ladies around me to be real, and then it is just perfect.

And so, my life as a slave of the Dominion gradually lowered me down through the years to new heights. It has been a slope, I always got more of becoming less. Every step in my journey down has taken some time to get used to but was also exciting and addicting, and it brought joy to the people who did this to me and to myself.

Yes I do need some attention. Though I can be ignored for length of time or be locked outside of chat range and this will excite me as it will enforce my role and my position. Getting too much attention might do the oposite to me. As I said it is all irrelevant to how I should be treated, but this is what it does to me.

Humiliation takes two, at least. Like the wind it has to have something to blow on to be acknowledged. I need people, women, sorry for the sexism. But I crave them to enjoy or at least be aware and desire my humiliation, restriction, degragation, discpline and punishment, otherwise it doesn't work at all.


So I need it to feel real, I wish the feelings towards me would be genuine, and to be enjoyable. I don't like forcing my present. Asking to have rules, and being around Ladies who truely don't like my presense at all. If it doesn't serve them in any way I feel bad about ruining their time and of course I don't enjoy it at all.

In the last few months at the Dominion I felt a shift in the way I was perceived. I felt I was becoming a burden, I never liked talks about having to get rid of me or put me down. These have always been a turn off for me but the first thing about being an inferior creature is that you don't get to choose. If I haven't given up the right to choose - it would not have been real and wouldn't work for me or for you. That's the paradox they teach in the first lesson in a BDSM class. So I didn't protest and it was becoming more and more frequent. There were always Ladies that truely didn't like me, that really wanted me to go away when they were there and I respected it but I felt like this was spreading and that I was no longer wanted at all.

I started to visit the Dominion less and less. I just wasn't getting my kick anymore as Miss Evangeline sais. And one day, she had enough of this and banned me. I felt that this was enforcing what I already felt - that I really became unwanted, a burden, for too long. During trials I felt nobody really thought of my punishments. When I greeted at the Dominion courtyard a growing number of Ladies didn't respond, and when some Lady, usually a new one, would get interested in my humiliation, it was made clear to her that even contacting me was something unaccepted that might get her dirty and laughed at. At that point I felt it was better off for everyone if I was gone for good. It would give me much more time for real life, I'll be able to sleep well and concentrate on things I never have time to get to because while at the Dominion I wasn't even allowed to go AFK without permission and then my breaks would usually be measured (oh I love it so much!) so I was spending many hours doing nothing but wait in the pit. And that idle waiting was so humiliating and so good. But it now had to end.

I was already not coming so often, so this would be easy, I thought to myself. Never get emotionally attached, that's my moto in SL. There's more than enough dram in RL, SL is for something else. Or so I thought.
I found myself in emotional storm. I felt betrayed, because I really really tried to be good at being a slave, follow orders, pay my rent, tip, not go to sleep without permission. come online when called. Greet everyone, not to go to the toilet without permission, all to fulfill each and every rule. Wearing an avatar I often didn't like and being called names I didn't like, and never ever teleport away go out of the Dominion without an order - this rule was in effect a few years. I felt that in return for this nobody gives a damn if I'm there or not at best. and worse - most people actually wanted me gone. I felt it was an achivement to bring myself to such a point but on the other hand I couldn't help but feel betrayed by some Ladies who cared about me at least in the past. I also fell betrayed by Miss Evangeline who banned me without me doing anything wrong. IMing to Ladies while banned is not a pleasant experience, I was perceived as someone who have done something awfully wrong. So I was alone.

Nowhere to go really. Having a human hamster picture and a list of restrictions in my profile, wearing a pig head and having no decent inventory I was left outside. Landmarks for Femdom sims I visited before becoming a Dominion slave were all outdated. it was hard and lonely.

After a shortwhile Miss Evangeline told me I could come back but not as a Dominion slave anymore. This felt like another slap to the face, no everyone will know I'm so bad at what I do that I even got fired from this position. And there is the Dominion staff that is always updated about what's going on. So coming back to the Dominion with a human face would be 10 times more difficult than wearing a pig head. Talking to people and explaining why I was gone and why i'm in this new position now would be a nightmare not to mention many of them already know something that I don't know.

WOW! Really good time to leave now.

I couldn't, I just became more addicted to it. I tried hard but I couldn't think about it all the time. I loved going to work cause this would distract me for the rest of the day. After a few torturing visits to the Dominion as a free sub I felt that I could not do it anymore. So I begged to be back as a Dominion slave and I got something undefined from Miss Evangeline that I'm still not sure about. It feels a bit similar, I'm in the pit, not sure if I must be there or just pay the rent. not sure what my title is. I would like to have some rules like I did before but there's nobody to give me them. And I hate the trials and the word fucking yelled at me as on everyone else, and hate to be naked on trials, I hate the 5 minutes of fame in which I can't read, move, hear and respond in a timely fashion, I hate the rumbling of the so called lawyer when I actually have something to say, and I hate this stupid idea of avatars as punishments. Specifically I hate the bacon because I don't like the idea of being killed it's not real. I don't like everybody complaining about the smell all the time, it's getting boring and not original, I hate to have to write a confession about all of this. This is so upsetting, so wrong and oh my god this is so exciting! A few minutes after trials yesterday, back in the pit, laughed at. Punished for being away, wearing a humiliating avatar - all of the sudden I felt so happy, so excited and so grateful to be at home again.

I crave rules, restrictions, bondage, humiliation, tasks. I wish to be tortured for pleasured. I don't like curses, to be shouted at endlessly without reason or when vulgar things are done to me like amputating me or shoving cigarette buts into my eyes. This is not really important. What is important for me is to somehow know you enjoy what you do to me and that you rather have me there in the pit, in the darkness, ignored - on not having me around at all. I will accept whatever else you do to me, enjoy directly or learn to live with it for the sake of my role will be inferior and helpless indeed.


I wish to express my apologies to all the Ladies I unfriended in a pathetic attempt to get their attention. And to others who have witnessed my flipping without a warning and might have gotten offended by the combination of my broken English and infantile bitterness and sarcasm. I hope this explained what was going in my mind.

If anyone volunteers to decide on my new/existing rules, or otherwise oversee me, and is not on the black list I gave Miss Evangeline. I will be honored. Miss Evangeline would have been my first choice but she has more meaningful stuff to take care of than this whining sob.

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