Anonymous Confession

I've lately begun to identify as a stepping stone Domme. I don't want that to sound as though I'm bitter or displeased even, because I'm not.

I've given a handful of boys an extremely valuable gift. The gift of *knowing*: I exist  (someone like me), that this kind of thing is real, and that they can actually "do it". And then they are confronted with the reality that they can actually be the submissive they thought maybe they could and they are suddenly forced with a choice, a decision if you will… "should I stay or should I go now". They realize they really can live life as someone's submissive, because they are - but are they really ready? They could "lose themselves" in this new role - or is it discovery? It's all so heady and confusing and scary. Maybe they should explore/fix/focus on X, Y, or Z first. It's not as if somehow I or -this- requires such a choice. But I guess for them, it does.

And because I truly want what's best for everyone, especially those I care enough to call "mine" - I let them go. With all the hopes of the best and love and support they'll allow me to give. No matter how much I struggle with the idea that "we're good together" no matter how it hurts. I let go… what choice do I have really?

So, where does this leave me?

As I said earlier, I'm not bitter nor jaded, although I'm quite certain my life has afforded me every good reason to have become so. I actively choose and work to remain open, vulnerable, and yeah, even hopeful. However, each boy I help along his way was never intended to be so transient. I've put a whole lot of myself into these intense albeit all too temporary relationships. They grow and learn about themselves in leaps and bounds with me acting as their mirror - showing them everything I see in them. They thank me for the experience and then it's time they go forward… to finish growing and learning… without me.

And I'm left behind sad, disappointed, drained, and now compounded by guilt, because I know I *should* be proud and grateful that I helped another soul along their personal path. These boys were "works in progress" that had yet to progress through their "icky things" to the point I have traveled through mine. And because I knew well before the point of emotional entanglement - the amount of personal responsibility for my sadness, disappointment, and depletion of energy is woefully not lost on me.

I have a hard time "giving up on" people. I am certain it stems from having felt abandoned when I really needed someone in my past. I've never wanted to "abandon" anyone. But you know what I had to get through and deal with my stuff on my own… no one was there to help me… and I am a strong, independent, caring person today. I needed the heat from the oven to turn me from sand to glass. I needed the pressure not relief to transform from coal to diamond. I couldn't be saved or rescued or delivered from "whatever" and neither can they.

I cannot save, rescue, or deliver anyone except *maybe* myself. And I have walked through MY personal hell(s), so I don't have to keep repeating *that* journey by choosing partners still in the process of slaying their own demons. I deserve someone who is at least as "ready" as I am - don't we all?

So, wow, with writing my confession I've given myself a huge gift, undeniable clarity of where I've been, where I am, where I want to be, and what road while definitely scenic will not get me there directly and without great cost. Thank you for hearing my confession and helping me progress a little further on my journey.