Confession by Anonymous

I attended the "Would you Rather" game that was hosted on 7/25. It was different from the usual kinky interactions that I see either online or from the local area. Everyone was having a good time and it was apparent to see the relationships that people have created. Especially when it came to Dommes and their subs. The way they talked, make jokes, brought up past experiences, everything was proof of how amazing their relationships are, at least from my perspective. It made me realize that I have been longing for a relationship like that for a long time. It's difficult for me to go out and put myself out there in the local area. (Mainly because I am shy as hell, unless someone is pushing me, or because of Covid)

I took some time off of kinky interactions after my last potential relationship to do some soul searching. What do I really want? What dynamic can I agree to that will more than satisfy my/my partners desires as well as being able to realistically maintain that relationship with everything else I do in my life? I know what my ultimate dream is, but it's not something I can't have at this moment, maybe even ever. I have other passions and commitments in my life that currently take precedent over my ultimate kinky dream, that I want to one day live. Lately I have tried my best to bottle up those feelings and desires. But I don't think I can/want to anymore. It's not always realistic to have the best of both worlds, but is it even a possibility for me? Can I find the opportunity to have pieces of them both and slowly try to have more of them over time? Giving up on one of them all together can't be the answer. It just can't be. I wonder if making a commitment to myself to really trying to find someone and have some sort of balance is what I should do? Trying to do this while everything is going on in the world makes it much more difficult.

I wanted to attend today's event to just have some fun with people who's company I enjoyed, but now these bottled feelings are starting to rise at an alarming rate. I usually try to be anonymous when writing about any help or advice. Mainly because I want don't want others to see that I am going through these difficulties. I'd rather be seen as the funny/silly guy that I know I am. But I'm now at a point where I need to find an answer for the tug of war that's been going on inside my mind and heart. I hope that I find an answer to my questions soon.