JR Confession

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east and Juliet is the sun! ...
O that she knew she were!

She speaks, yet she says nothing; what of that?
Her eye discourses, I will answer it.
I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek! "

The days and weeks go by, like sands in an hourglass, one after the other.  The wandering in the desert and the search for meaning, for purpose for the "yin" to my "yang."  The glove for my hand.  My submission is not a hook that can ge grabbed by any passerby, nor can I attach myself to just anyone.  Rather it is more of magnetism, an attraction that is powerful, elusive and inescapable.

There are those individuals, in SL and RL who just...pull me.  I slyly try to determine if the feeling is returned, that little bit of connected-ness, that slight pull to something.  The lure is not a sexual attraction but the energy felt by a power exchange.  The delicious dance of trust, vulnerability, release and service.  To most on the "D" side of the slash, a submissive's delight in opening up and submitting is an alien feeling, just as a submissive can't experience the delight in taking a leash and opening and taking a submissive's mind.  For me, to feel a Domme's attention is like the scene in Lord of the Rings where Sauron's eye spans the horizon and focuses on you.  Powerless, frozen, helpless in the focused attention. And it is wonderful.

But there is someone, Miss X, who I see -- and feel -- whenever i am here. She is why I came back after my ignominious banishment.  She has had boys, subs, girls, but also is a Dominant who likes to dominate, to take the power.  When she chats I listen and think, yes thats right.  When she comes to a chat or event, I always look at her clothes.  I read her profile, again, for  the 1000th times, to try to come up with a clever approach, a witticism that will draw her focus and energy at me.  I fail every time.

She is beautiful. Erudite, witty and lovely.   She evokes power, grace and charm.  She is real, she doesn't roleplay the role, and bark out orders as a false prophet.  And she makes my heart skip a beat, or two or three.  I imagine all the great feelings we can share, the depths of power and emotion, sexuality and service that we would share, together, in Sl and RL.  But I stay quiet hoping my shine attracts her eye.  It hasn't so far.  Does she know? Does she feel my attraction and deny it, or

I don't know if She even knows I feel, I want to serve, I want to see her smile and create joy for Her.  "The course of love does not run smooth/love looks not with eyes, but with the mind/ and winged Cupid painted blind...". 

Fate will bring us together or keep us apart.

"My time coming, anyday, don't worry about me, no
Been so long I felt this way, I'm in no hurry, no
Rainbows and down that highway where ocean breezes blow..."