No One Notices by Anonymous

I spent months debating if I should ever submit this, but then one night another submissive spoke with me. His concerns reflected my own and I felt this needed to be shared so that others who could not speak had a voice. Maybe my confession will help another and maybe they will find sanctuary in those around them as I have not. Either way I hope anyone feeling like this knows they are not alone.

People always talk about dominance/submission and vanilla relationships as if there is a clearly defined line, but rarely is it spoken about what happens when the path that you once followed no longer feels right. I have been on my knee's since I first stumbled across the idea of BDSM and long before I had a name for the feelings inside. It was never a struggle for me as it felt right. She simply had to smile and everything in the world became focused and clear. I never worried about right and wrong as my faith in her word was absolute and clear. My direction and focus had a purpose and in serving I experienced a lightness that some refer to as freedom but for me was like finding square hole for my square peg.

No one prepares you for what it's like to one day be thrown back into the world on your own when for so long you have known only thing. It's not just letting go of a person or an idea of a relationship but a complete starting over and a piece of you is now gone. When you give that much of yourself to another there is not much left when that person is no longer there. You go through your days slowly learning how to be you once more, but a different you then you were or ever knew before. Suddenly you are making decisions and being forced back into a "vanilla" way of life to which you have not been accustomed. It's not just hurt or rejection, but it's like finding pieces of a puzzle you have no picture for and you are different after that whether you want to be or not. It's like the loss of a first love, but more a loss of yourself.

You find you way back to a new you but a bit more guarded. Eventually someone else comes along. That is the way of things and it's not the same as it was before but how could it be? Not worse, not better, just different. Once more you say here I am, here is all of me knowing there is an innocence to yourself lost.  You find a different way of being beneath their guidance. Believing in words of adoration, trusting in their promises, finding faith in all the time you are together until one day it ends abruptly, harshly, and without warning. You discover you have been nothing more then an online distraction when you thought you were building a life.

I am not shattered, I am destroyed. And though I find once more I can move on something is not the same. I am not the same. Suddenly kneeling is a struggle, using honorrifics leaves a bad taste in my mouth, forcing myself to respond how I know I am supposed to when inside something is screaming slowly leads to depression. So I take time to try and recover and every now and then a spark rekindles and reminds me of that feeling of letting go. Only now I hit a wall that was never there before. I can't push past it. At first I was left just wondering if I am more guarded, but it's something deeper and a heavyness settles in. What if I gave so much there is nothing left anymore? Is there a line where a person can be pushed too far to ever recover from? Places that seemed like home, people I felt were family I cannot bring myself to go to or be around. The mere idea of ever serving someone causes my muscles to tense up and I am shaken to my very core. Can a submissive be broken to the point where they can no longer submit anymore?

If you had asked me this years ago I would have laughed at the very idea that something so internal could ever be damaged in such a way. Yet today I am left with no other explanation. No one ever talks about this moment and those around are in these longterm successful relationships or so new this concept is beyond them. The loneliness gets longer and deeper. I never say anything because who would ever understand that what was once so natural now leaves me fighting for my very breath. I am at a crossroads and there is no path that makes sense anymore. The idea of just giving up and having a life where D/s plays no part tears more of my soul apart, but the concept of ever handing over the reigns gives me a cold sweat. People have told me it takes time, but it has been a long time and nothing is changing. If anything it's getting worse. I know better then anyone that time does not heal all. I have never felt so alone, so scared, and so at a point of losing an essential part of who I am or was or maybe still am. I still look around and the hardest part is no one seems to really notice I am not the same.