Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Anonymous Confession

Someone asked me recently what changed with me. Why didn't I have any desire to be owned any more? And for the longest time the answer was "I don't know."

Cynicism could lead one to think, "Oh, he's just looking to get his kinks fulfilled without putting in the effort to be a good submissive." And there's undoubtedly some truth to that at times. I have had kinks fulfilled outside of a femdom; there's no humble way to say "I can get that taken care of, if that's all that I'm looking for," so I won't make any pretense to the contrary.

But if that was all of it, why would I still feel the need to submit, still feel the aching need to please? Why am I simply calmer and more at peace in a Female Dominated atmosphere? I don't really *do* anything any more, don't pursue anyone, and I'm more than a little standoffish. I just enjoy the company and the conversations, and give input when it's desired, hoping to please.

Then the other day, a Domme friend IMed me. She asked "What the hell is the matter with you? You come in to the circle, and you just sit there now. You don't really talk to anyone."

"I feel peaceful here," I answered. "I still enjoy pleasing. That's still at my core. I still belong here, but I don't want to belong to anyone."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't trust anyone enough to give myself to them completely any more" I answered. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that again."

And there it was. What surprised me more than how obvious the answer had been...was her reply to me.

"You're not the only one," she said.


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