Lying half awake trying to slip asleep your actions toy with my mind. I don't know why I reach for you. Its not that its a bad thing, but to often others have come before you and kept me hanging on until I push the choice. Not just in D.s but in other relationships.
So I have become the one who ends relationships. It hurts to be that person, as much as it is to be the one dumped. Only one person has dumped me, it was the only time I sobbed for someone I couldn't have.
I sobbed when I left my first boyfriend. I sobbed cause I realized I should have ended it sooner.
I don't sob much, I'll tear up a lot, but my my mother made sure to hammer in me not to cry. I would do something wrong, and get beaten. When I cried from the pain, i was beaten harder. It got to the point where I had to force back tears.
It because of this I think internally hate crying, as well as really take care when it come to pain play. I am sadistic, but I enjoy it when I know the other person enjoys it.
So i feel myself already putting up the walls, I don't want the pain of the negative, I don't want to hurt by another girl who I consider collaring. This non-communication it hurts and scares me
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