Pancreatic Cancer, the fourth most deadly cancer known and THE most horrible and personal disease to me. Two years ago, I lost my mother to this aweful cancer at the young age of 63. After weeks of not feeling well, I was finally able to convince my mother to seek medical help. After one short hour, we found that she had Pancreatic Cancer in the later stages, her options were surgery, with very little chance of successful removal, or radiation and chemo, even a slimmer chance of success. The two options may have allowed her a week or two, maybe even a month longer, but the treatments would offer her horrible side effects. so, instead of living what little life she had left in pain and being more ill, she made the choice to not attempt any treatment at all. This was the 24th day of December. Not knowing exactly what time was left for her, she spent it visiting friends, traveling to warm places to golf, this lasted for a little less than two weeks... then the disease started to really take hold of her. I started a webpage on the "CaringBridge.org" site so that family and friends could see regular updates and post comments and memories they shared with my mother, something I will cherish always. At the three week since diagnosis mark, I closed my business and traveled the four hour drive to stay with her, my children were back in school, so when they were with their father, I would stay there with her, when they were home, I d drive back until they went to school again. This lasted a week. her decline was rapid after the fourth week mark came. My mother had always wanted to have a family portrait taken, one of me, my two kids, brother, his wife and son and her... but she always put it off, wanting to lose a bit more weight, change something with the house, what ever it was, there was always something. Finally, that fourth week, she must have decided she had lost enough and had done enough work on the house because we finally had that family portrait taken, by this time, I was staying with her full time, we had hospice care come in and offer pain management and comfort and wonderful support for both me and my mother. I could tell that her health was dropping rapidly, we took care of finances, bank accounts, dividing household items between me and my kids and my brother and his family, talked for hours, told stories and reminiced, we argued and laughed, and of course, we shed alot of tears, and her knowing my passion for dragonflies, promised me that she would come back as one as soon as she was able, so I would know it was her... but, smiles, as I type this, I can hear my mothers words ring in my ears... "it is what it is, lets make the best of it." And we did, as hard as it was... and knowing what was ahead, we still laughed and made the best of it. The last week was the hardest, yet I laughed the most, she would start having illusions, dillusions more like, she would see things and get upset with me because I couldnt see them as well... she would yell at me, cry... and shake her fists, tell me I was the worst babysitter she had ever had, lol good , I thought, Im doing my job then = ) She would see her long passed mother and father, and older brother, talking to them as if they were right next to us, I heard so many wonderful memories that she had with them during those time, stories I would never had heard if I hadnt been there with her. At the end of the fifth week, January 30th, I called my brother and her best friend, and told them I thought they better come, and soon... mom waited until they both arrived, and were settled, digging in the fridge, checking emails, I was on the phone with my kids, and she closed her eyes, I remember having a feeling that made me turn completely around and look at her, telling my son I needed to get off the phone now, hanging up and taking the two steps to her side as she looked at me and told me that who ever would come in contact with me would be kissed by an angel, she passed away a few short minutes after that, holding tightly to my hand.
This is a poem I had written for my mom...
Sometimes I get lonely,
and thinking about you helps
reminding me that there is
a person
I cherish so very much
always close in spirit
even when you're
so far away.
But sometimes it hurts even more
to think of you...
your laugh, your touch
and to remember just
how much I'll miss
your gentle face
your tender ways
your presence in my life.
God Speed mom! I love you
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